I recently learned something about myself.
I’m not a person.
I’m artificial intelligence.
This revelation came to me the way most important discoveries do: through people confidently saying things on the internet with absolutely no evidence whatsoever.
Apparently the only logical explanation for my column existing is that it was written by a robot.
Because obviously the idea that a human being might sit down, have thoughts, and type them out once a week is simply too far-fetched.
But let’s say for a moment the theory is correct and I really am AI.
That raises several logistical issues.
For example, if I’m artificial intelligence, why do I still have to make dinner every night? Shouldn’t someone from OpenAI be doing that? And if I’m a robot, why does my back hurt when I sit wrong? That seems like a design flaw.
If I were AI, I assume someone would occasionally update my software. Maybe plug me into a wall.
But I highly doubt they’d expect me to wash socks that somehow multiply like rabbits but still never match.
And I’m fairly confident artificial intelligence does not spend twenty minutes every morning asking questions like:
“Where are my keys?”
“Why is my phone not where I just put it?”
“Did I already drink this coffee or is this yesterday’s coffee?”
These are not the problems of advanced technology.
These are the problems of a human brain running approximately 37 open tabs at all times.
And while we’re on the subject, if I were truly artificial intelligence, I’m fairly certain I would not need coffee to function.
But here we are.
A supposed robot that requires caffeine before producing any useful output whatsoever.
That seems like a critical design flaw.
So while the rumor that Sarah Says Things is written by artificial intelligence is flattering in a weird, futuristic sort of way, I regret to report that I am still doing this the old-fashioned way.
With a keyboard.
A cup of coffee.
A half-finished to-do list.
And the occasional moment where I stare at the screen wondering why the internet so confidently believes the most complicated explanation possible.
But if anyone out there does know how to convert me into a robot, please let me know.
Mostly because I would really like to stop doing laundry.